Okay, Okay!!!! I know it has been over a month since my last post. I have been doing a lot of contemplating, questioning, searching, and forming conclusions about my next topic. Sometimes I felt like I was sure of what I wanted to say and other times I was not so sure. Well, I am done thinking about it and even though I am still working on conclusions, I think I am ready to share my thoughts.
Have you ever wondered if what activities you have your children involved in is the best thing for them? At what point do you push your child to realize their potential and at what point do you let them make a decision to move on to something else? If they are really good at something but they don't give it all they have do you keep pushing until they realize their potential? When you spend insane amounts of money to keep you child in their activity that they say they love doing but aren't the best at it do you keep letting them do it? Can you see why my brain has been spinning?
These are all questions that have been swirling around in my crazy brain the last couple of months. I think when you have children that have grown and left home to pursue their dreams, you start thinking about the children left at home and what it is that really matters. I love how much Addison loves dance and that she enjoys going everyday. I love that she is really good at dancing and that she has a passion for it. However, she is not the top dancer at her studio and she is not the top dancer at competitions. She does well and hangs in there and has victories here and there where she will win a scholarship at an audition or her solo places in the top ten or five. It's not until you go to a national convention with over 1500 dancers competing for top spots that you realize just how difficult the competition is out there. I am probably going to be looked down on for saying this next statement but it is how I feel and I want to be honest. Sometimes I get frustrated with Addi because I know she could be so much further than she is technically if she pushed herself a little harder. She quickly reminds me that she is moving at the pace that is comfortable for her and that I need to back off. So the question arises, I pay a lot of money for her to dance, she and her teachers invest many, many hours in practice and rehearsal time. As a parent that wants the best for her kids I think, with all of that money and time invested why would you go to dance everyday and give it 80% when giving it 150% would only make you that much better? Does that sound pushy or like a crazy dance mom? Probably.
So on the flip side, she is barely 12, everyone matures at different rates, maybe she will realize her potential on her own eventually. Maybe she will grow to appreciate the amount of money, and time her teachers devote to her and all the time she spends in a positive environment. Let's be clear that I am in no way expecting perfection for Addi or to be the absolute best dancer ever. I am expecting her to take advantage of every opportunity and to go to class ready to give 100%. Go with the mindset that there is always something to improve on and to set goals to get there. Maybe I am expecting too much. It always comes back to that same question. Where do you draw the line between encouraging and pushing? I think it is easy for Addi and other dancers to fall into the "going through the motions" mindset when they go to class as much as they do.
I have always told all three of my kids that the minute they complain about rehearsal, practice or performing we are done. I do not want them to be forced into something they hate doing and I do not want the daily battle. They have to enjoy all the hard stuff to appreciate the rewards. They have always been carefully selective with their words in telling me that at times it is not that they don't want to go to a scheduled rehearsal or extra private but that sometimes they are so exhausted it is hard to find the energy to go. I can totally understand that but unfortunately they have made a commitment and I have tried to teach them that it is important to follow through no matter how hard it is. They definitely do not like me some days and there are tears shed. I know some of you have witnessed the melt downs and I am sorry for that.
We recently went to Las Vegas to attend The Dance Awards national convention. There were over 1500 dancers competing for the regular competition and of those there were around 500 competing in the best dancer competition. Addi was in the junior division and there were 120 in her division competing for best dancer. For those that don't know this is a spot that is earned at a regional convention earlier in the year. To be there among these 120 dancers is an honor in itself. At nationals they learn a combination for ballet and jazz in less than an hour and audition it immediately. Later in the day they compete a solo. All the scores are combined to award the top 20 then the top ten and then the top three dancers in each age division. They also attend workshop classes throughout the week where they are being watched. I was so proud of Addison because she felt so confident after each event. She would say, "mom I nailed it." I loved the certainty. Now, this is where the hard part begins. As a parent that has been doing this for a long time I knew she wouldn't even make the top 20. I watched the other solos and dancers and I could see a maturity about them that Addi is still learning. She is improving all the time but she just isn't there yet. Addison was sure she would be in the top 20 and I had to find a way to break it to her that she wouldn't be without breaking her spirit. Talk about the impossible. This is where my above questions come into play. I know why she isn't in the top 20. I know what it is she needs to do to be there. I can tell her what it is and she probably won't listen. All she will hear is you are not good enough. So at this point do you encourage and say " you should totally be in the top 20" or do you say "well you need to do this or that to get there?"
I chose to say something that I still don't know was right but I did it anyway. I would talk to her before class and remind her that she needs to give every class her all and to not waste her time in there just kind of trying. Make self corrections and learn something new. Be the dancer that stands out because you fixed something the teacher told you to fix. I told her she did amazing on her solo to which she replied, "I will totally make the top 20." I then had to gently remind her that even though she did the best she could that there are 119 other dancers doing the best they can do and that the she may not make it in. I told her I loved that she felt confident and that I was proud of her. I may have over stepped my bounds with the next thing I told her. If she wants to be in the top 20 or 10 that there are some things she needs to work on and that we should set some goals. At this point she was upset with me and told me I was rude and that I shouldn't say that. So I may have crushed her spirit. I was trying to avoid high expectations being crushed when the to 20 were announced. I wanted her to enjoy the classes and to continue to be confident no matter the outcome. I wanted her to know that even though she wouldn't make the top 20 that she should keep trying and figure out how she can improve.
Even on my last child I am still trying to figure it all out. I am a really slow learner!!!
So here it is, why do I want all that for her? Some may say, who cares, and just let her be. Well I think it matters when you are devoting as much time as she does and as much money as I do that she does the best she can. I think it matters that she learns that she will always have to work hard to earn the things she is going for. Anything just handed to her will not be appreciated. I look at all the things Hannah is doing now as she has ventured out on her own and she is doing well because she learned that not everything comes easy and that she has to work hard to succeed. I am not going to get into what is considered to be success. That will be another blog for a different time.
While researching this topic I came across a friend's blog. Julie de Azevedo Hanks is a well known Family Therapist. She is often quoted in well known publications on her parenting advice. One of her articles I came across helped me come to form a renewed view on all of this. It was an article on parenting myths. Myth#2 was "excellence and achievement don't equal self-worth. If a child's self-worth is based on excellent performance in a sport or activity, what happens when they break their arm, or they don't make the basketball team? Be cautious not to gauge your value as a parent on your child's achievement or talent." I already knew this in the back of my mind but am I reflecting this in my behavior and desire to push or encourage my kids in their talents? I am grateful for being a member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints because we are taught from the time we are toddlers that we are children of a loving God and that we have value and are important to the plan of salvation. I know that my children are at the very least learning this at church.
While I have always known that I am a bit controlling, I know I know, a lot controlling, I am finally trying to find a way to balance impulse with timing. I want to know when it is the right time to speak up and when it is time to just stay quiet. This all comes back to being a very slow learner. I hope I didn't completely destroy my child's self esteem while in Vegas. We had several emotional moments while there and they weren't necessarily always about dance. This is why I feel so passionate about figuring this out. These questions I am trying to answer can impact all aspects of raising children not just how involved we are in there activities.
From this day forward I am pledging to keep trying to find a balance between encouragement, honesty, and involvement. I know it will not happen overnight but if I make it public and write it down and say it out loud I think I have a better chance of making it happen.
Remember, we are all in this together.
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