Let's try something different this time.........

Is the hand pushing her down or is it coming in to pick her up? What's your perspective?

            I think it would be interesting to get some feed back from other dance moms/dads on some questions.  I think that it is always nice to hear another perspective.  I was chatting with another dance mom and we had a great conversation about perspective.  One of the points I have been hoping to get across to everyone reading this blog is that life is all about perspective.  I am willing to bet that if you take a room full of people, have several different dances perform, different class workshops going on, and then ask people what they saw and what they thought about how things went, you will get many different perspectives.  Everyone may even agree that things went well or not so well, but when it comes to details, there would be all sorts of different opinions and thoughts.  We all know when we are at competitions that as moms we hang out at a restaurant and chat about what we just saw and generally there is someone who notices something that happened at whatever we were just watching that no one else noticed.  We all walk away with different emotions and different thoughts and whatever the thoughts and feelings may be they are yours.  Our perspective is just that, OUR perspective. There  are emotions that come with our perspective.  If we can remember that everyone has a different perspective and that their emotions come with it, we can learn from all of these perspectives by staying open minded and willing to listen.  I am going to post a few questions and I hope that I can get some feed back from all of you so that I can learn and grow.  This is not intended to be a forum to argue with one another but a place to share your opinion and thoughts and leave it at that.  Please do not post negative responses to others' comments.  If you don't agree, simply leave it alone.  If you want to say thank you to someone for their thoughts, feel free to leave a kind and simple response to their comment.  Thank you and I hope this goes well.  If anyone has a child in any other competitive arena feel free to apply these questions to your situations as well.

          I think you all have something valuable to say and even if you only answer one of the questions I want to hear what you have to say.  I love what everyone has to say about life and dance.

Here are the questions............

1.  If you had it to do all over again, would you?  And why or why not?  (I mean the whole competitive dance world)

2.  What was the most important thing you learned at the last competition?

3.  Do you think it is okay to give your dancer corrections or should that only be left to the teacher?

4.  To be competitive do you think that adding private lessons for ballet, technique, etc, is helpful in increasing your dancers' ability or is it just as okay to let your dancer grow at a natural pace?

5.  What is your funniest dance mom moment?

6.  Has your dancer ever said something to you that taught you a valuable lesson? (An aha moment) What was it he/she said?


I can't wait to read everyones answers!!!!!!!!! Remember we are all in this together.

I WISH I HAD LEARNED THIS SOONER 

            I apologize....... I haven't posted for a few days.  It has been a little crazy for me the past few days.  I know, it's always crazy.  Today's post may be talking about a touchy subject but one that I think is important.  I was discussing my blog with some family and the topic of how hard it must be for so many girls dancing together to navigate the bumpy road of hormones, emotions, different personalities, competitiveness, etc.....
             I started really thinking about this and what my girls and myself have experienced.  I do remember for Hannah there were times that were so hard we contemplated not coming back to dance.  We all know that girls can be hard to be friends with and add spending 20 plus hours a week together and there will be drama.  I imagine that it is especially difficult for the teachers and studio owners to handle somewhere between 200 and 300 different girls and their moms and all of the issues and emotions that arise on a daily basis.  You have to be patient, kind and understanding to handle all of that.  I think our studio directors do a great job of handling the drama.
             I want everyone to understand that I know my kids are not perfect and can sometimes do or say things that can be hurtful.   I also want everyone to know that because I know this, whenever they start crying or complaining about what someone has done to hurt them the first question out of my mouth is,
"what did you do to be hurtful?"  I don't want to sound like a heartless mom who is not understanding, but generally there is a bigger picture going on.  Sometimes however, it is very apparent that someone was just being mean and horrible simply to be mean and horrible.
             One time, when Hannah was about 10, she came out of ballet class only to find that someone had written I HATE YOU HANNAH in marker on her locker.  The girl who did this later ended up being kind and sweet to Hannah as she got older.  At the time it happened though, we were both so hurt.  Why would anyone want to do this to someone and how do you handle it.  Of course we talked to the studio owner and she immediately jumped in to handle the situation.  After the tears cleared from both of us, I had a long talk with Hannah.  This incident was one of many that had occurred over a period of a year.  I asked her if she wanted to change studios or quit dancing and my 10 year old little girl put me in my place.  She informed me that she was not going to let them win or make her quit.  She was there because she loved to dance and she wanted to stay.
              I was so proud of her and wondered where she got such a fighting spirit.  She had to be born with it for sure.  However it isn't enough to be born with it, you have to know how and when to use that fighting spirit.  All year long we had been handling challenges such as the one above.  Sometimes we would handle them well and sometimes not so well.  The one thing that remained constant was that we always had a lot of conversations about the best way to handle each situation.  I made it very clear that in no uncertain circumstances, no matter how hard, it is not okay for Hannah to retaliate or treat the girls being mean to her poorly or anyone else for that matter.  Just smile and walk away and when you come home you can cry all you want and talk about it with me.   This is not an easy task for people who are emotional like us.
             What I have realized through all of this is that sometimes you will get your feelings hurt and sometimes you will do the hurting.  When you have that many competitive girls in one place, spending that much time together, there will be issues.  I think that responsible communication is important.  Talk to your girls about how important it is to treat others with kindness even if they are feeling jealous, hormonal, tired, whatever the reason may be.  Remember that our children repeat and copy our attitudes and comments.  What they are saying to others they are most likely hearing at home.  Some of these comments may include "I can't believe she won a scholarship over you!" or "She only won because she is the favorite!" I know these have been said because I was guilty of this a long time ago and I have overheard parents say very similar comments
.  These kinds of comments only create more animosity and jealousy.  Remember that girls are best friends one minute and enemies the next.  They are like sisters.  Many times, given a few days, lots of prayers and a forgiving spirit things will blow over and what seemed like a big deal generally goes away.  I wish I had figured this out a long time ago but unfortunately I am a slow learner.
             Sometimes this is not the case and there is definite bullying happening.  In this case it is time to bring in help.  I have had this situation happen with both girls.  I do not want to discount the importance of anti-bullying but I will cover that in another post.
              I am completely guilty of overreacting to hurtful situations.  I am also guilty of not acting enough when my kids really needed it.  We are their biggest advocates and someone has to stand up for them.  I have found that taking a step back, finding out what really happened, talking it through with your kids, praying about what to do usually helps to resolve the situation.  I always ask this question when my kids are done telling me what happened and why they are so upset, "so if I were to ask 'so and so' what happened would I get the same story you just told me?" Sometimes they say yes, and sometimes they back peddle and think more carefully about what really happened in said offense.  I have had to get after them to apologize many times.
             The bottom line is that every one of these dancers will have their moments.  I will admit sometimes I want to go up to some of them and say, "what is your problem?" My own kids included.  If we can remember to watch what we as parents say in front of our kids and remind them to be understanding of others maybe we can navigate these rough waters a little better.  I am trying harder to do this.  If someone is being unkind, let them know,  that hurts when you treat me that way.  And if that doesn't work, walk away and give them time to think about it.  I have had my share of couch time in the studio directors' offices with tears in my eyes and asking what I should do. I call these 'dance mom moments'.  I am grateful for directors who take the time to listen even though they have more pressing issues to deal with. I am grateful for friends who listen and offer advice and sometimes snap me out of an emotional state and remind me that I may be overreacting.  Just take time to stop, think and maybe talk it out with someone, before you react.  Validate your daughters' feelings by letting her know you are so sorry that she is hurt but don't go on the attack right away.  Get the whole story and get to the bottom line.  Sometimes you can just let it go.  Situations will arise that will annoy you and that is okay.  We are all human and have emotions.  The important thing is what you do with those feelings.  Don't let them control you and turn what should be a positive experience into a negative one.
               As dance moms and dancers we are put together on teams.  The dancers have to find a way to bond and dance as a team.  As moms we need to be examples of appropriate behavior.  The girls will become better dancers with amazing attitudes.  This will serve them well in life situations.
Remember, we are all in this together.

          In a previous post I mentioned that there have been a lot of emotional and hard experiences that Hannah and I have learned from.  I thought I would share one of those experiences in today's post.  I have been especially thoughtful today of life and love and kindness.  This experience encompasses all three of the afore mentioned topics.

          When Hannah was around 9 or 10 we went to a convention in Santa Clara, California with her team to compete a few numbers.  For those of you not familiar with conventions, not only do the dancers compete, they also have several classes for 2 to 3 days with about 4 or 5 different teachers and styles of dance.  They generally have ballet, jazz, contemporary, hip hop, sometimes tap and or jazz funk classes. One of these classes is spent learning a combination that they learn in under an hour and then audition it.  Sometimes they learn a jazz and ballet combo and audition them both.  At the end, the teachers/judges choose a few dancers in the class that they felt were outstanding and they can win scholarships to future conventions.  At this particular convention, as at many others until she turned 13,  Hannah was the only one out of her team to walk away without anything.  She was so devastated, frustrated and felt like the victim of some sort of conspiracy.  Ok, maybe that's an exaggeration but you get the point.

            What happened next was embarrassing as well as one of the biggest learning moments that I try to remember and apply to this day.  It was embarrassing because I didn't handle it properly and it was a learning experience because I had to make it one in order to not come out of this looking like a horrible "dance mom."  When they announced the winners of scholarships it was at the end of the last day of the convention.  We were to board the busses back to the airport and catch our flight home immediately after.  So of course all of the other girls received some award or scholarship of some kind and Hannah received nothing.  She tried really hard to hold back the tears.  The excitement of the weekend, the girls all hugging and taking pictures, everyone congratulating them just became more than she or I could handle.  I saw the tears start streaming down her cheeks and I lost it.  Here we were, what a sight, mom and daughter bawling.  We got on the bus bawling.  Then it happened.  I hadn't even taken a moment to realize that at this point everyone was staring at us.  Teachers and dancers.  No one was rejoicing, no one excited.  

              Without realizing, Hannah and I had completely ruined the other dancers' moment.  We had stolen that happy time away from them.  By both of us being sad, it made things awkward and hard for them to genuinely enjoy their moment.  They felt like they had to tone it down so as not to make Hannah feel even worse.  It was at that moment I realized that we could have done this whole thing completely different and had a more positive outcome.  

               I think what should have happened was this.  As soon as I saw Hannah get upset, which I think would be a normal reaction for any one who was the only one that didn't receive anything let alone a 10 year old girl, I should have pulled her aside.  Once away from the situation, gently explain that while she has every right to feel frustrated and sad, that she needs to hold it together and congratulate her friends.  Be happy for them because one day you will have your moment to shine and you will want them to be happy for you.  Do not ruin this moment for them and put jealousy aside.  

              This is a concept that from that point on I tried to instill into my kids and myself.  It is not easy and sometimes I still get indignant on their behalf.  However, I try to be an example of that, warn my kids ahead of time that if I see any behavior other than gratitude and kindness that they will immediately be pulled from dance or whatever activity they are involved in.  I will admit that I still get jealous at times and I may even complain out loud to someone.  It is always followed quickly after with remorse and generally an apology to the person I was complaining to.  

                I know that we all have moments like this wether it is at dance, sports, school, or any other competitive situation.  It is easy to look at others and be jealous of the talents, material things, or family that they have.  I am definitely guilty.  I then go back to that day in Santa Clara and remind myself that I wouldn't ever want to ruin someone's moment because one day I will have a moment and I would want them to be happy for me. 

              Life is too hard to be unkind.  Let's lift one another, cheer each other on, and be an example of true happiness for others.  Remember, we are all in this together.

Have a great day!!!

Today's post is going to be a little lighter.  After spending the weekend at Jump Dance Convention with Addi and some of her teammates and their moms, I thought I would share some of the funny or strange comments I heard while standing around.  Okay, some of them may have come out of my mouth as well.  I got to thinking that if someone were to hear these comments out of the context of a dance competition,  they may think we are slightly weird or maybe even a little crazy. So over the weekend I compiled a top ten list.  I hope you can see the humor and silliness as I do.

Top Ten Comments You Would Only Hear At A Dance Competition:

1. "Where's the but glue? Can I borrow it?"
2. "Does this give me camel toe?"
3. "Do you have your eyes on?"
4. "No underwear on stage!"
5. "Yesterday you were giving me Wonder Bread, light and no flavor!"
6. "Yes you still have to dance if you are throwing up!"
7. "Get your pants off!" which was followed shortly after with, "you can't go out there without your pants!"
8. "You can't cry right now or your makeup will come off!"
9. "You need to bend over more"
10. "Put your leg down!" (in reference to every dancer that was with me putting her leg up on every handrail we stand next to treating it like a ballet bar to stretch on.  Or one of them doing a tilt while standing in line for food somewhere)

It is always fun to spend a weekend with these girls and moms. We laugh, we cry, we share stories and problems.  Sometimes there is drama and sometimes there are hurt feelings.  Sometimes there is a great sense of teamwork and togetherness.  In the end we are all in this together and it is always a learning experience to grow from.

One of the lessons I learned this weekend is that sometimes you think people understand you and all that you are going through and sometimes they have no idea.  Sometimes other's perspective, although hard to hear, can be helpful in understanding how handle or deal with situations.  Take the time to ask people about themselves.  Open up to others.  There are valuable lessons to be learned.  Things aren't always what they seem.

Have a great day!!!!

Let me start today's post by making it clear that I do not pretend to know all there is to know about dance and being a dance mom.  I am the first to admit that I am not perfect, I make a lot of mistakes, and I probably get too emotional.  I have been told I wear my emotions on my sleeve.  I think that can be a blessing and a curse.  I do know, however, that all of the mistakes, emotions and drama that seem to be part of being a dance mom are what have given me learning experiences that I want to share.  I may not be right and what I have learned may not be what others would have learned.  That being said, as promised from yesterdays post, I am going to post a little bit about Hannah's journey.

Like I mentioned before, we started down this road of dance to help Hannah develop learning skills and confidence.  She had her first recital at 3 years old to Animal Crackers.  She didn't even do the dance.  She stood at the edge of the stage and watched the other girls dance and looked at them with disgust.  We just laughed and laughed and the evening was complete when on the way home in the car she finally started doing the dance.  She danced the whole way home and to her room until she crashed from exhaustion.  Better late than never, I guess. At that point, I never imagined that we would have journeyed down the road we did. 

Honestly, we never expected to be involved or compete at the level we have.  Hannah ended up climbing the ladder pretty quick and was on the advanced competition team by 9.  At this point, I started thinking that  maybe Hannah could really do something with dance.  It is amazing how quickly my frame of mind went from recreation to competition.  I thought we had really arrived.  If Hannah is on company then she must be amazing.  Well, we had our first year at NYCDA nationals in New York, and it was a real eye opener. Not only did I realize we had a lot to learn, Hannah really started having growth spurts and dancing became increasingly difficult for her.  Her arms and legs were so long, and while beautiful, were hard for her to control.  As one of the youngest on the team and the tallest, she not only didn't have the maturity in movement some of the others had, but she had these long limbs to control.  At one point, I was crying for her and asked the studio director if she was sure Hannah was on the right team.

What seemed like overnight, my mindset went from "Dance is a great activity for Hannah" to "Why isn't she as good as all of these other girls?" I am somewhat ashamed that I wasn't able to keep a more positive attitude at this moment.  What I am not ashamed of is that I only want the best for my kids, as we all do, and when you see them struggle you feel bad for them.  As parents, we don't always see what's going on around us or our kids; we only see what isn't going our way.

I will never forget what the studio director told me when I questioned Hannah's ability for dance and team placement.  In so many words, she said that Hannah needs to decide why she is doing this.  Is she doing this to be the best or is she doing this because she truly enjoys it?   She also said that we needed to be patient because it would take a few years, but as soon as Hannah learns to control her limbs she would be a beautiful dancer.  Well, if any of you have seen a 6'1" dancer that has control of her body and confidence like Hannah now does, it is truly an amazing sight!
 
I am embarrassed to admit we still had a lot of tears along the way.  In my next post, I will share some tears and heartache.  I am trying to remember what I learned through these situations to help my youngest daughter, Addison, through the dance process. Ridiculously enough, it is often hard to remember when you are in the moment.  I think I have done a little better the second time around, but I still make mistakes and have what I like to call "dance mom moments."

What I have learned to do better is recognize the potential and ability that Addison has now and look forward to seeing her improve through the years ahead at her own pace.

I am grateful for the wisdom, patience and love of the teachers and studio directors that helped Hannah realize her potential and ability.  She had so many teachers encourage her to embrace her height and make it work for her instead of against her. One of these teachers, Joey Dowling, gave Hannah some amazing advice when she moved to Los Angeles to start auditioning. She said that most people are not going to think of hiring a tall dancer like her, so it was her job to walk into every audition and change their minds by dancing so amazing that they just have to have her.  By applying this advice, she's already landed several dancing jobs, including a 16-week tour as the lead dancer in the Nuclear Cowboyz and the promo for the Oscars.

We never could have imagined this all happening when she first stood off stage during her first recital at 3 years olds, nor the challenges she - and this "dance mom" - would experience as she grew over the years. But we both learned so much from it, and I hope to help other dance moms as they experience many of those same challenges.

Feel free to share what you've learned as a parent of a competition dancer.  We're all in this together, aren't we?

After a lot of thinking and discussions with my sister and husband, I decided that I would start a blog about my experiences as a dance mom.  I am fully aware that we have all been inundated with reality shows about dance and so called "reality".  I have raised one daughter and dancer that recently graduated and have another daughter and dancer that is currently going through the process and consequently I have learned a lot through past experiences and what I am experiencing now.  What I hope to accomplish from this blog is to help others learn, laugh, cry, or just have someone to laugh at (me).  Along with sharing my experiences I will try to find things to share that can make dance more fun, or items that can help with competition time, or sales on costumes, bags, shoes, etc......

 In this first post I just want to help you get to know me and my family.  My husband and I have been married 23 years.  We have 3 kids, Hannah, 19, Chandler, 17, Addison, 11.  Hannah started dancing at the age of 3.  The only reason she started dancing was because she had problems with her ears starting around 9 months.  She had to have tubes put in her ears 3 times and had so much gunk in there it was as if she was hearing everything under water.  She missed out on developing certain sounds while speaking and listening.  The doctor suggested enrolling her in activities that would require focus and concentration that would help her learn to develop these things she missed out on.  To this day she has some permanent hearing loss.  Anyway, after trying several different sports and dance, dance is what she took to the most.  She started dancing at The Dance Club in Orem Utah at 6 and danced there until she graduated.  In my next post I will talk about what happened on Hannah's journey.  For now, she is living in Los Angeles, attending FIDM for fashion design and currently working as a dancer.  She loves school and loves going on castings for dance and modeling.  My son Chandler is a senior in High School and is trying to decide what to do.  He has always had a love of music, and plays the guitar, saxophone, clarinet, base guitar, and upright base.  He played sports until 9th grade and much to my husbands dismay he decided to go full force with music.  My husband fully supports his music and loves watching him play in all the bands and sing in acapella.   He just loves sports too and got stuck with two dancers and a musician.  Oh well.  Chandler will be attending UVU in the fall and working towards serving an LDS mission.  Did I mention that he has been diabetic since he was a year old?  That may slow down the mission process but we are working on that.  Addison is my youngest and will attend Junior High in the fall.  She is on Junior company at The Dance Club and loves it.  She struggles with ADHD and so dance is a great resource in helping her build focusing skills, relationships, and maturity.  I know that ADHD is over diagnosed these days, however, in this case we actually fought it for years because I was determined to find a way to parent her that worked.  I thought I was a failure for not being able to help her without medication.  The parenting techniques that worked with my other two were not working for her.  There was a lot of tension, anger, sadness and frustration.  I finally took her to a specialist at the urging of teachers, family and friends and although medication has helped it is not the fix it all drug. I still have to parent, council, guide, love, and everyday is a game of what do I need to give her today to help her.  I love my Addison and she is a joy as are my other two children, I just have to do things a little differently with Addison and that is okay.  I only mention all of this because in future posts this will be an important fact in how or why I decide to do certain things.  My husband Steve has worked in special effects since he graduated college and is still working in that field in several different capacities.  

Anyway I hope that anyone reading my posts will be able to enjoy our journey through the dance world and how it has affected or been a large part of our family.  I will try to post daily if I can.  I have so much to share and it is all I can do to contain my excitement and not dump everything out in one post. For now I will post a picture of my family and start thinking about tomorrows post.