I WISH I HAD LEARNED THIS SOONER 

            I apologize....... I haven't posted for a few days.  It has been a little crazy for me the past few days.  I know, it's always crazy.  Today's post may be talking about a touchy subject but one that I think is important.  I was discussing my blog with some family and the topic of how hard it must be for so many girls dancing together to navigate the bumpy road of hormones, emotions, different personalities, competitiveness, etc.....
             I started really thinking about this and what my girls and myself have experienced.  I do remember for Hannah there were times that were so hard we contemplated not coming back to dance.  We all know that girls can be hard to be friends with and add spending 20 plus hours a week together and there will be drama.  I imagine that it is especially difficult for the teachers and studio owners to handle somewhere between 200 and 300 different girls and their moms and all of the issues and emotions that arise on a daily basis.  You have to be patient, kind and understanding to handle all of that.  I think our studio directors do a great job of handling the drama.
             I want everyone to understand that I know my kids are not perfect and can sometimes do or say things that can be hurtful.   I also want everyone to know that because I know this, whenever they start crying or complaining about what someone has done to hurt them the first question out of my mouth is,
"what did you do to be hurtful?"  I don't want to sound like a heartless mom who is not understanding, but generally there is a bigger picture going on.  Sometimes however, it is very apparent that someone was just being mean and horrible simply to be mean and horrible.
             One time, when Hannah was about 10, she came out of ballet class only to find that someone had written I HATE YOU HANNAH in marker on her locker.  The girl who did this later ended up being kind and sweet to Hannah as she got older.  At the time it happened though, we were both so hurt.  Why would anyone want to do this to someone and how do you handle it.  Of course we talked to the studio owner and she immediately jumped in to handle the situation.  After the tears cleared from both of us, I had a long talk with Hannah.  This incident was one of many that had occurred over a period of a year.  I asked her if she wanted to change studios or quit dancing and my 10 year old little girl put me in my place.  She informed me that she was not going to let them win or make her quit.  She was there because she loved to dance and she wanted to stay.
              I was so proud of her and wondered where she got such a fighting spirit.  She had to be born with it for sure.  However it isn't enough to be born with it, you have to know how and when to use that fighting spirit.  All year long we had been handling challenges such as the one above.  Sometimes we would handle them well and sometimes not so well.  The one thing that remained constant was that we always had a lot of conversations about the best way to handle each situation.  I made it very clear that in no uncertain circumstances, no matter how hard, it is not okay for Hannah to retaliate or treat the girls being mean to her poorly or anyone else for that matter.  Just smile and walk away and when you come home you can cry all you want and talk about it with me.   This is not an easy task for people who are emotional like us.
             What I have realized through all of this is that sometimes you will get your feelings hurt and sometimes you will do the hurting.  When you have that many competitive girls in one place, spending that much time together, there will be issues.  I think that responsible communication is important.  Talk to your girls about how important it is to treat others with kindness even if they are feeling jealous, hormonal, tired, whatever the reason may be.  Remember that our children repeat and copy our attitudes and comments.  What they are saying to others they are most likely hearing at home.  Some of these comments may include "I can't believe she won a scholarship over you!" or "She only won because she is the favorite!" I know these have been said because I was guilty of this a long time ago and I have overheard parents say very similar comments
.  These kinds of comments only create more animosity and jealousy.  Remember that girls are best friends one minute and enemies the next.  They are like sisters.  Many times, given a few days, lots of prayers and a forgiving spirit things will blow over and what seemed like a big deal generally goes away.  I wish I had figured this out a long time ago but unfortunately I am a slow learner.
             Sometimes this is not the case and there is definite bullying happening.  In this case it is time to bring in help.  I have had this situation happen with both girls.  I do not want to discount the importance of anti-bullying but I will cover that in another post.
              I am completely guilty of overreacting to hurtful situations.  I am also guilty of not acting enough when my kids really needed it.  We are their biggest advocates and someone has to stand up for them.  I have found that taking a step back, finding out what really happened, talking it through with your kids, praying about what to do usually helps to resolve the situation.  I always ask this question when my kids are done telling me what happened and why they are so upset, "so if I were to ask 'so and so' what happened would I get the same story you just told me?" Sometimes they say yes, and sometimes they back peddle and think more carefully about what really happened in said offense.  I have had to get after them to apologize many times.
             The bottom line is that every one of these dancers will have their moments.  I will admit sometimes I want to go up to some of them and say, "what is your problem?" My own kids included.  If we can remember to watch what we as parents say in front of our kids and remind them to be understanding of others maybe we can navigate these rough waters a little better.  I am trying harder to do this.  If someone is being unkind, let them know,  that hurts when you treat me that way.  And if that doesn't work, walk away and give them time to think about it.  I have had my share of couch time in the studio directors' offices with tears in my eyes and asking what I should do. I call these 'dance mom moments'.  I am grateful for directors who take the time to listen even though they have more pressing issues to deal with. I am grateful for friends who listen and offer advice and sometimes snap me out of an emotional state and remind me that I may be overreacting.  Just take time to stop, think and maybe talk it out with someone, before you react.  Validate your daughters' feelings by letting her know you are so sorry that she is hurt but don't go on the attack right away.  Get the whole story and get to the bottom line.  Sometimes you can just let it go.  Situations will arise that will annoy you and that is okay.  We are all human and have emotions.  The important thing is what you do with those feelings.  Don't let them control you and turn what should be a positive experience into a negative one.
               As dance moms and dancers we are put together on teams.  The dancers have to find a way to bond and dance as a team.  As moms we need to be examples of appropriate behavior.  The girls will become better dancers with amazing attitudes.  This will serve them well in life situations.
Remember, we are all in this together.